June 4, 2023

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Cheers and Jeers for Monday, April 17, 2023

Note: Due to the Patriots’ Day holiday, Monday garbage pickup in Maine and Massachusetts will actually be happening last Saturday. A message from your friends at the Department of Untimely Reminders.

By the Numbers:

10 days!!!

Days ’til Earth Day: 5

Days ’til the Freeland Walleye Festival in Michigan: 10

Increase in industrial production in March, higher than forecast (and previous months were revised upward): 0.4%

Initial unemployment claims for the week that ended April 8, above expectations but still the lowest since 1974: 239,000

Inches of rain Fort Lauderdale got last week from one storm that planted itself over the area: 25″

Amount in dimes stolen from a truck in Philadelphia that was transporting them from the U.S. Mint there: $100,000

Height at which the Mars helicopter Ingenuity flew on its 50th flight, breaking its previous altitude record: 59 feet

Puppy Pic of the Day: Meanwhile, in Alaska

CHEERS to putting the dicks in the dock. Schadenfreude hangs thick in the air this morning as Dominion Voting Systems’ defamation lawsuit against Fox News is finally set to begin in a Delaware courtroom with Judge Eric Davis, already thoroughly pissed at the defendant for withholding evidence, presiding. At stake: one-point-six-BILLION dollars in damages:

Dominion sued Fox Corp and Fox News in 2021, accusing them of ruining its reputation by broadcasting false claims by Republican former President Donald Trump and his lawyers that the Denver-based company’s voting machines were used to rig the outcome of the election against him and in favor of Democrat Joe Biden. […]

B&W photo by Harry Whittier Frees of two cats in human clothing gardening, one with a watering can and the other with a rake.
The story Fox News will be covering all day today, er, tomorrow instead.

The primary question for jurors will be whether Fox knowingly spread false information or recklessly disregarded the truth, the standard of “actual malice” Dominion must show to prevail in a defamation case.

The official case name is You’re Fucked, Fox vs. Yeah, We Know.

FFS UPDATE: Take everything I just said and move it to tomorrow. Unless everything I said turns out different, in which case forget I ever said it. The name of the case remains the same.

JEERS to disrespecting the one whut brung ya to the dance.  Just a quick reminder that Rupert Murdoch’s flagship propaganda outlet has been crazy for a looong time. Eight years ago this week, Fox News openly wondered if we should bring back literacy tests during elections so that we don’t have a bunch of dense, paranoid, ignorant, fact-averse cultists voting on the critical issues and candidates of the day.  But they quickly stopped pushing that idea when they remembered one niggling little detail: who their viewers are.

CHEERS to being patriotier than thou. Today is Patriot’s Day (yes, that’s where the apostrophe goes up here), a commemoration of the skirmishes at Lexington and Concord that sparked our War of Independence 248 years ago. Only three states are flagpinny enough to make it an official holiday—Maine, Wisconsin and Massachusetts. (But, we’re quick to add, not including that Massachusetts National Guard MAGA cultist arrested last week for posting classified documents he somehow got his paws on.) The big event today is the 127th Boston Marathon. As usual, I’ll go out on a limb and predict that the winners will be the secretly-Obama-trained Kenyans unless the nerd from MIT perfects his rocket shoes in time…and someone can achieve the impossible by waking him up before noon. This morning in the C&J breakfast nook: half-off shots of pickle juice.



CHEERS to the calm before the storms. A couple weeks ago we highlighted for-profit weather forecasting company AccuWeather’s Atlantic hurricane season predictions: 11-15 named storms—3 sponsored by Nabisco, 5 sponsored by Nike, and 7 sponsored by various drugs you should ask your doctor if they’re right for you because YES, YES, YES THEY ARE EAT FISTFULS OF THEM AND COME BACK FOR MORE!!!  Now, with just 45 days to go, the meteorological elves at Colorado State University are out with their 2023 forecast.  They’re predicting a less-active year than last year: 13 named storms (down from 19 in 2022) and 6 hurricanes…two of them major. But more important, check now to see if your name is on the 2023 storm list: 

Arlene, Bret, Cindy, Don, Emily, Franklin, Gert, Harold, Idalia, Jose, Katia, Lee, Margot, Nigel, Ophelia, Philippe, Rina, Sean, Tammy, Vince, and Whitney.

And as I warned you earlier this month: if a hurricane with your name on it causes any damage, it’s up to you to pay for it. Don’t blame me, I don’t make the rules, I just—[pats baseball bat]—enforce ‘em.

CHEERS to minding your manners. While red-state MAGA governors continue their frantic dash to see who among them can be the most evil against minorities and the oppressed, our Democratic governor here in Maine has gone in a different direction. I believe it’s called “being a normal human being.”  Case in point: on Friday she attended…

…the first public Shabbat and Ramadan dinner in state history.

About 150 people attended the event at the Jewish Community Alliance of Southern Maine in Portland, lighting candles, saying prayers, and enjoying traditional music and food just after sunset. … The room erupted in applause when Reza Jalali, executive director of the Greater Portland Immigrant Welcome Center, suggested that the dinner become a yearly event. […]

Dignitaries included Gov. Janet Mills, whom Jalali said cares about every Mainer regardless of where they were born. “We’re celebrating our faith, we’re celebrating our diversity and we’re celebrating our harmony,” Mills said as she arrived at the dinner.

Not to be outdone, Republican governors will show that they’re also committed to religious diversity by attending a dinner for a diverse coalition of conservative Christian bigots, racists, child molesters, grifters, gun-humpers, and haters of Jews and Muslims. God bless us everyone.

Ten years ago in C&J: April 17, 2013

CHEERS to having company over for a little grip ‘n grin. Here’s a sneak peek at President Obama’s White House schedule for today. First he’ll welcome players of the University of Alabama Crimson Tide, who won the college football championship last year. Then he’ll participate in a ceremony to credential a gaggle of new ambassadors, including:

Her Excellency Maria Cecilia Nahon, Ambassador of the Argentine Republic
His Excellency Cui Tiankai, Ambassador of the People’s Republic of China
His Excellency Mohktar Chaouachi, Ambassador of the Tunisian Republic
His Excellency Archil Gegeshidze, Ambassador of Georgia

After receiving their “Park Anywhere You Want Without Penalty Cuz You’re A Freakin’ Ambassador And You Can Do Anything You Please” pass, the diplomats will play the Crimson Tide in a regulation-length football game and get beat 596-0.

And just one more…

JEERS to putting on a creepy creepshow.  I’m going to force myself—right here, right now, on the spot, just to see if it’s possible—to come up with 5 positives about the just-concluded NRA convention in Indianapolis:

1) No one shot themselves while cleaning their gun.

2) The NRA is still in disarray.

PolitiFact rates this claim: True.

3) Gun sales are dropping off.

4) They all wisely booed Mike Pence…in his home state, no less.

5) Most Americans still look at the NRA like the freak show it is.

Everything else about it? Nutsville.

Have a tolerable Monday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?

Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial

“Let’s talk about kiddie pools for a minute. Acme is the latest manufacturer that says the future production of kiddie pools will not include Cheers and Jeers. They finally figured out how to attack Bill in Portland Maine.”

Mark Levin

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